Fourteen
by SilverCascade
Summary: Talking to strangers online isn't always a bad experience.


When the chumhandle **tipsyGnostalgic** appears on Pesterchum for the first time, he thinks he's dreaming. The pink text is horrific against the yellow and orange of the menu, and he blinks at it. The first message arrives instantly.

**TG:** heyyyy janeyyyyy

**TG:** wait ur not janey

**TG:** do i know u?

**TG:** "timaeus testified" what

**TG:** fuck, how did i even do this?

**TG:** hacker skillz 2 the max *self five*

**TT:** I should leave before you jack my systems, then.

**TT:** But who are you?

**TG:** no way im telling you who i am

**TG:** you could be a creepy talker

**TG:** *salker

**TG:** *stalker

**TG:** but who am i kiddin im the last person left on this ocean of a planet anyway

**TG:** livin it up alone party at my place errrrry night lmao

**TG:** youre either a batterbitch clone or someone in the past

**TT:** "Someone in the past" huh? Not that subtle, yo.

**TG:** shit im not supposed to tell you that am i?

**TG:** well i tried telling janey but she doesn't believe me

**TG:** i dont think you will either so theres no point

**TT:** Her Imperious Condescension's been working away at you too? Kinda don't give a fuck.

**TG:** yeah

**TG:** wait how do you know about baterrwitch's real name

**TG:** *batterwitch

**TG:** hello?

Dirk's throat dries up at her words. Playing it cool isn't helping; a single thought of denial fills his mind, but the evidence is sitting before him. Somebody who knows about the Condesce, who knows about talking to people in the past, who knows about the world in which he lives. Sure, it could be one of the numerous spam bots the Condesce sends him, but it doesn't fit. There's the absence of fish puns for one, and far too many typos. And he, too, used Pesterchum's modified features to talk to people in the past - well, a single idiot who went by golgothasTerror.

**TT:** Tell me about Janey.

**TG:** she's my bffsy 4 eva

**TG:** she lives in the past, so that sux

**TG:** she's amaaaazing, tho she has a permananet stick up her ass

**TG:** she's the only company i ever get ha

**TG:** i mean except for u rn i don't talk to anyone

**TG:** there's no one else to talk to

**TG:** *sad music palsy in the backgorund*

**TG:** *pal

**TG:** fuck

**TG:** who are u anyway?

**TT:** Dirk is the name to remember. The sickest biznasty will be laid down by me. You just gotta wait for it. Or in your case, not wait at all, since we're from the same time.

**TT:** This is impossible.

**TT:** But also fucking awesome.

**TG:** wha

**TG:** *what?

**TG:** ur really from now

**TG:** srsly?

**TT:** Lying to you isn't beneficial in any way.

**TT:** I can also assure you I am not a robot from the Condesce. I can impersonate them flawlessly, but there's no need.

**TG:** now thats EXACTLY wht a robot clon droid thingy would say ;)

**TG:** *what, *clon

**TG:** *clone

**TT:** Well, that leaves my authenticity to your judgement.

**TT:** I've told you about myself.

**TT:** Which would be a risky move if I wasn't who I said I was.

**TG:** agreed

**TG:** i'm roxy :3

**TG:** i'm cute as hell and a power hacker, so u better be afraid of my rad skillz

**TT:** I wonder if you'll believe me when I say this, as there's no way for you to verify it, but I'm really fucking confused as to what the hell is going on.

**TT:** I'm talking with someone who could kick the shit with me. I should get the AR to look over this.

**TG:** i no what u mean

**TG:** if i wasn't on my sixth martini, i'd be shakin

**TG:** and not the sexy kinda shaking

**TG:** *le wink wonk

**TT:** How old are you?

**TG:** 14

**TG:** u?

**TG:** i hope u aren't some 64 y/o guy i mean damnnn that would suck

**TG:** crossin all my figners up in here

**TT:** We're the same in age.

**TT:** Can't be a coincidence.

**TG:** acutally it totes can

**TG:** tell me about urself, dirky

**TT:** Don't call me that.

**TG:** le sigh

**TG:** fineeeee

**TT:** Training is what I do. It kills time, and means I'm prepared when the Condesce sends her bots.

**TT:** Keeps you sharp.

**TG:** those HUGE red fugly things

**TG:** yeah

**TG:** i got the rifles my mom left me its all good

**TG:** badass babe dont u 4get it

**TT:** You met your Mom? I didn't think the Condesce worked that way, with the breeding programs and all. But our conversation is also a statistical impossibility, as well as a pile of statistical bullshit.

**TG:** no id dindt meet her

**TG:** *didn't

**TG:** she just left a LOTTA shit for me like a nest or somethin

**TT:** Bro did that too. Swords, and around three hundred gallons of orange soda.

**TT:** Not that I'm complaining or anything.

**TT:** Orange soda is the shit.

**TG:** my mom left me enough drink to last me my life

**TG:** she's real passive aggressive like that i think

**TG: i** mean why else r u gonna leave that much vodka lyin around

**TG:** i no little tidbits about her u know?

**TG:** like she was a writer

**TG:** dunno if u heard of complacency of the learned

**TG:** that was her

**TT:** I haven't.

**TG:** do u know much about ur bro? ;3

**TG:** i mean, if u didn't meet him

**TT:** Similarly, I know only what I've managed to discover.

**TT:** He was a director, and a famous one at that.

**TT:** He was responsible for assisting the resistance against the Batterwitch.

**TT:** I mean, The Condesce.

**TG:** haha, ur bro sounds like a badass

**TT:** Damn straight.

**TG:** i bet he was cute

**TG:** le wink

**TG:** hey can u hold on a sec i gotta

**TG:** those little people are at my dor again yknow the ones?

**TG:** small an white theyre so cute but theyr e so hungry all the tim

**TG:** *ti

**TG:** *time

**TG:** nailed it

**TG:** i gotta get them sum pumpkins soo they dont die so

**TT:** I'll be here when you return.

**TG:** might be a while cause i gotta use that ray gun

**TG:** pew pew PEW ;3

**TT:** I'm not even surprised you're enjoying yourself.

**TG:** appearifier that grabs me some pumpkinzzzz from some poor guy in the past

**TT:** Actually, I have a box that can send things across time and space.

**TG:** brb ttyl and we're gonna be bffsies k!

**TT:** Sure.

**TT:** Wait, pumpkins?

**TT:** I'm aware of a "poor guy from the past" who frequently loses the pumpkins on his island. He thinks his mind's tricking him, but I wonder if there's a more rational explanation.

**TT:** You didn't specify how long you would be, but I'm not busy.

**TT:** Excuse the sentiment as we're barely acquaintances, but it's it's good to talk to someone else.

**TT:** My friends right now are a puppet, and an ape from the past named gologathsTerror.

**TT:** You would be a good good addition to my crew, as you're in the present and animate.

**TT:** Of course, the most important question is this.

**TT:** Do you know how to rap?

He reaches across the desk to grab the bottle of orange soda. Glancing at Lil' Cal's massive grin, he takes a sip and smirks. Dirk shifts in his seat, the mechanical chair squealing as he leans back. He stares at the white sky and bouncing blue water outside his window, eyes fixed on the splashes and streaks of flying fish. Golden sun pours over his room, and the world looks a little brighter.


End file.
